Some names and locations have been eliminated from the following story to protect the sender’s anonymity and that of 3^rd parties.  No other information has been edited or changed from the original letter sent to Lynn Posze.

Judy W. has given us permission to publish her story.

Dear Ms. Posze,

My name is Judy W.  I am incarcerated at (Blank) County Correctional Center in Kentucky.  I am writing you this letter in hopes to obtain more information in reference to your Women’s Substance Abuse Research Program.  I first became familiar with UK’s research program through my former employers (Name Deleted).  At corporate office one of my multiple task duties was data entry in KTOS (Ky. Tax Outcome Study) from offices in the ten county area.  The reports were compiled then sent to UK.

I am 41 years old, mother of two beautiful daughters ages 20 and 13.  I have been incarcerated 16 months.  Since my incarceration I have become grandmother of twin boys which I haven’t seen.  I was born and raised in a good Christian family.  I’m the youngest of seven children. Drugs and alcohol were not a product of my environment growing up.  It wasn’t until I was 31 year old that I became familiar with prescription narcotics.  I was given them several times following falling a victim of spouse abuse.  I liked the way they made me feel—numb.  It was easier to remain in the situation so long as I had the narcotics.  It enabled me to escape reality.  By 1998 I had legal problems (forged prescriptions-Theft by deception).  I was shock probated to treatment.  I found me a sponsor, attended several meetings each week.  In the fall of 2002 I relapsed.  By July 2003 I was incarcerated with new legal charges.  It was only being incarcerated for a few weeks that the fog lifted and I was able to start taking that backward look.  It was then that I contacted my sponsor (which works an awesome program).  It was then that I was completely broken, flat down with nowhere to look but up.  It was complete defeat.  At this time I was accepted back to the 12-step recovery program with only one thing asked of me-The desire to stop.  For 16 months my sponsor has guided me through step-work many months, weeks, days, hours spending heart felt, poured out, tear stained writing. By and through all this I’ve come to see just how much and quickly my disease progressed.  I was taking 3 to 4 times more than I did when I quit the first time in 98.  I was going to any lengths to get my next high.  For the second time around I lost my daughters, my family, my home, and myself.  I not only hurt myself, I hurt the ones that loved me the most, also that I live the most.  Alcohol was the gateway of my relapse.  I knew (I thought) I couldn’t take pills-but thought that one day I would drink-within two weeks with my new passion alcohol, I picked up the pills.  Alcohol was a gateway drug for me. 

It’s only with that backward look that I can say-I slowly stopped doing all the tings I knew to do i.e.: meetings, sponsor, reaching out to carry the message to others (12^th step).  These things I had been taught to do worked so long as we worked them.  From there relapse-it was the domino effect.

Lynn, I know I’m an addict and alcoholic.  I feel and believe that I have had the addict tendencies for most of my life.  It was only during unhealthy, abusive relationships that I found narcotics were a buffer for me.  I’ve had most anything materialistic that I ever wanted.  Yet nothing filled that void.  I know this disease is a sickness of the mind, body and spiritually.  I’m willing to go to any length to stay clean and sober.  I’m willing to share and carry the message to others still suffering, the message of my experience, strength, and hope.

It was really different for me when I got clean in 98.  I had to face many court days with my ex-husband to see my children.  I felt I was labeled in society’s eye as a drug addict i.e.: employment, family court, etc.  I fought hard for 3 ½ years (while I was clean) for my daughters.  Their father never used drugs or drank.  He was/is just a controlling, possessive person.  The typical characteristics of an abusive spouse.  I knew I couldn’t change him and several times just to be w/my daughters more, I though of returning to the man that abused me mentally, emotionally, and physically.  When my daughters’ visitation would be over for the week-end, occasionally I mentioned that to be with them I would go back to him.  They would cry, my oldest would say- “No Mama.  I never want you to go through that again-I would run away first.”  It broke my heart.  I thank God that he doesn’t physically abuse them.  I don’t understand why there is no law against the emotional abuse for children.  I know from experience that a bruise, cut or broken bones even heal much faster than the emotional wounds.

Lynn, I done a lot of volunteer work i.e.: research for grants-Effects of Domestic Violence Homes on Children-The correlation between women of substance abuse and domestic violence.  I helped promote and organize Methamphetamine Workshops sponsored by (Organization name deleted) for public awareness. Spoke out for more community resource centers for middle school students.  I have two daughters; now two grandsons that I pray don’t go the same path as I.  However, I know from research statistics show that the possibility of my daughters ending up in the same situation as I are great (i.e. unhealthy relationships, possible drugs).  My 13 year old wrote me from school since I’ve been in jail.  She was overt/covert because of her father.

He found out, she was punished and I haven’t heard from her since Jan 21, 2004.  She has faith to move mountains-she was active in ala-teen until my relapse.  I can’t imagine her pain-I know she is holding on and praying for me/us with all she has.  I’m most grateful that I know she will not give up as she knows I haven’t given up on her.  Lynn, there is nothing that I will not do in the right way to restore the relationships with my daughters-just as I will do anything I can to help toward prevention from any other mother or child to go this path or feel what pain we have felt.

Today, I find great peace in admitting powerlessness-in knowing “I can’t, God can, I think I will let Him.”

I know this is a long letter.  I thank you for your time and listening.  During my incarceration I have been asked by (A County Judge Executive) to write my experience with relapse, what drugs do to me.  (A County Judge Executive) knew me before I was addicted to drugs.  (A County Judge Executive) knew what it had taken from me.  (A County Judge Executive) knew how involved I had always been with my children before drugs.  Now (A County Judge Executive) knows more about this disease.  (A County Judge Executive) is currently working on getting grants for (A Kentucky County) for needed drug programs.  We continue to communicate via mail.  (A County Judge Executive) is of great support to me personally.

I am limited as to what I can do from jail however I would most appreciate any information you have.  If there is anything I can do please let me know. My intentions are trying to get into a program such as (Name deleted) when I get out.  It is hard re-entering society (jobs, etc).  I know I will have to battle in court to get to see my youngest daughter.  I feel I need a strong support group as well as a structured facility in facing these things that we face labeled as a drug addict.  (Smile) I will do anything necessary for my recovery.

Again, Thank You.

Sincerely,

Judy W.

(If you would like to correspond with Judy, you can send your letter to Lynn Posze at 1141 Red Mile Road, Suite 1B, Lexington, Kentucky 40504, and she will forward your letter to Judy.)